hiding day

i suck at keeping this but i'm trying again. try, try again. i'm having a day all to myself in my cave of an apartment. it's a pretty city day but i need my home. i need to recover from a long week of many things to do. inane work and not-so-inane work but all work and after it all all i want to do is destroy myself, just wreck from the outside in. that is work too. i was drinking and smoking for a good six hours, a work night. talking all this shit that revealed my insecurity as soon as i released it. but it was released and maybe that's all i want. release, for it to be gone from me. the rapist knows i need that. she knows she needs to prescribe no pills, i self-medicate. she knows i need a mother figure, someone who'll be nice, who'll nod her head kindly. she needs that check i provide too, as i need mine. we do what we have to to get our checks.

i am morbid girl today but so be it. the thoughts accumulate, the real thoughts, when you're alone and not beholden to someone else's wishes. sometimes i want to be beholden to something else, to forget me and what's in the nooks and crannies of my head but there is always some moment i have to return to me and it all weighs on hard. when i'm working an office job, that moment is saturday. the stop day, the stop and remember you're alone day, the stop and watch too many whatever movies are on, the stop and regret what came out of my mouth in the middle of the partying the night before, the stop. and then some crying, over some memory triggered by a chick flick i would never admit to seeing, over some thinking about what i haven't done for my family, what i haven't done for myself. and then back to the wrecking of the prior evening. digging into the bag for the medication, finding something better on the tv, something better to forget to.

i meant to leave the apartment at some point today. but it was hiding day really, i let my magical green couch of sleep suck me in. i need a hiding day every few days. don't know if that's a good thing but it's what i need.