Friday, December 23, 2005

my maya

ugh, mel gibson is doing a maya movie. it's coming out next summer. they're my maya, not his. i'm too heated. tired and heated. tried to let the jealousy make me write but what was coming out was not fun. i don't know what this voice is, this story voice, this fiction voice. i get lost in it and can't find my way to me. should i sound like how i write here? probably not either but at least i make sense to me here. i don't feel i'm doing to fight the hollywood's version of a story i wanted to write.

all the pain that man put people thru with that last garbage of his and now he has to take on my people. i mean, ok i might not be totally maya but whatever, they're the metaphor of my life, a broken civilization, washed-up like me. he don't feel them. he just wants to conquer them like the white men before him. i know i'm fucked i'm too but i'm not gonna make the people a summer blockbuster, i'm not gonna tell THE tale, i want to tell a tale, i want, i want, i want.

this is all it is right here, the tale, a tale from me. i feel a kinship cuz it's in the blood somewhere, after i saw the temples there was no turning back. the temples were just a few hours from my parents' hometown. for uppity hicks like my family feeling close to great civilization when you live like any ole working class fools is only appropriate. but they are truly amazing, i've never felt the blood stir like that, i felt it in the one drop cuz you know there's no full-bloodedness for generations in my world. if there were they would just get called stupid indians by the mixed breeds. my parents still call each other that now. after dissing black folks my father's favorite epithets have to do with himself and his dumb indio ass. i'm always fascinated by the self-hate as much as i am by the temples, the ruins, what once was, what we never knew really.

and then this fucker, this right-wing sadist is gonna come along and tell this history, fuck him. it's called apocalypto. it's about how a civilization destroys itself from within. he has something right there. but his propaganda help spur these new crusades we're living in here and he's gonna preach about people destroying each other. i wonder how he's gonna deal with these pagans, hardline christian that he is, how will he make them digestible. maybe it will be easy cuz they're so far removed, in time and reality. it's set thousands of years ago and he's in mexico getting modern-day maya to act as extras. this man has some balls, that's his whole point, to swing his balls around. europeans did the same 500 years ago, come ball-swinging into some supposedly new world, new cuz they just got there when other people had been there. hollywood the new conquistadors.

just have to rant tonight. tired and mad. the journal wasn't enough. i had to say something here too. i'm sure there's more to say but i'm done right now.

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